Heres a true struggle i've had for a long time (long post...beware.) I'm writing about it for a few reasons..
1. It helps me to get things written out. I feel like i can think clearer when i do that.
2. I'm open to suggestions. I kind of feel like i'm at my wits end here.
First and foremost- i love my kids, and I love being a mom. Parenting is hard. Really hard. I didn't expect it to be easy, but i'd be lying if i said i anticipated it being the way it is. It comes with all sorts of tears and guilt and dirty looks when your child is throwing a fit in the grocery store. Judgement on what kind of diapers you use, if you use organic food or if you home make all your food, if you give your kid tylenol, or if you start them on rice cereal too early...on and on. I'm sad to say (but it's true) that most days i feel like throwing my hands up in the air and giving up. I adore my children. I want to give my children the best I can, but for almost the past year Owen has been taking me through one of the hardest chapters of my entire parenting life. To say he throws fits once and a while would be an understatement. He doesn't just "throw fits", he throws MASSIVE temper tantrums, screams, hits, and is the mouthiest two year old i have ever met. My whole day is filled with me begging God for patience and wisdom with what to do. At the end of the day when Owen is peacefully in bed, i feel entirely drained, and not always in a good way. You probably get the picture by now- anyways, here is my struggle- ever since I found out i was pregnant with Owen, and knew I'd be parenting, i wanted to stay home with my kids. Not necessarily all the time, but most of the time. I didn't want my child to be parented by other people. I wanted to teach them and mold them and love them. I also figured they needed me. And i know enough to know that no one loves your child as much as you do. No one will love them better then their own parent. When Owen turned 18 months old his behavior went way down hill, and we figured out that he needed to be in a social environment. So we put him in day care for 2 half days a week, and things improved. Recently he has gone through a crazy amount of life changes. Having a new sister, living in chicago in a hotel for a month, starting a new school, and getting ready to move to a new house. I know that isn't easy for him.
However, the truth is that i find myself being miserable being a stay at home mom. And with that comes a lot of guilt. I feel like i've lost my identity totally. Like it's been swallowed up. I am care-taker of my husband and of my kids. Now that is no small thing, but I wish there were more. I'd love to go back to school, etc. I consider going to work more then part-time, but then i automatically feel bad because I want to be home with Cora...she's still so little. And then when I realize i want to be home with her, i feel guilty for not feeling the same towards Owen. Sometimes i think I'm not doing enough to keep him entertained, so it's my fault he acts out. It's terrible to say but my favorite part of the day each and every day is nap time, and i'm not just saying that to be funny..that really is the best part of my day. I don't know if I'm just over-tired, or if having 2 babies has been much harder then I anticipated. Owen usually does much better behaviorally in someone else's care...but i don't know what to do with that. I feel guilty shipping him off, like it's not the right thing--after all, is that what being a mommy is? (i feel guilty even expressing all this--like i have this big secret or something.) But i know that I matter a little too, and i'm not happy.
Truth is i'm entirely at a loss.
